What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:54
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
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So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What is the most gay experience with your dad?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Which is the first MV you watched in Stray Kids?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What is your age now, and what age do you prefer to stay at forever?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What story do you have involving a public restroom?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I was 9 years of age.
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why do men love to stink/being smelly?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What does 'Whose flesh is like the flesh of donkeys’ mean (Ezekiel 23:20)?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I will be 64.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were not on the streets..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We all went to grammer schools
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was seconnd youngest,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Put me off passion for life!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was very sick at this time too.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
My family never makes their pension either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It was going to be , some day.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I think the readers, may guess!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So whats the point in blame.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?